


Deadpool: A Romance!

by Loeka



Category: Deadpool (2016)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-17
Updated: 2016-02-22
Packaged: 2018-05-21 04:49:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6038707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loeka/pseuds/Loeka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wade Wilson shot back the last of his beer and tried to ignore the fact he had suddenly become aware this entire scene was being written by a fanfic author.</p><p>Rule One when knowing you're living in a fanfic: try not to think about the fact you're living in a fanfic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

A closed down theater. An empty stage. A spotlight turning on. A man who would look like the love child of Ryan Reynolds and Freddy Krueger if he wasn't wearing a full body Halloween costume struts onto the stage. He raises both arms into the air.

“Welcome, to the 74th annual Hung– wait, wrong fandom. Welcome to, dramatic drum rolling please.”

Fictional drums start beating dramatically throughout the room.

“Thank you. Welcome, to the one, the only, _Deadpool: A Romance!_ fanfiction!” Deadpool bows down as fictional applause and catcalls ring through the air. He straightens and looks towards the reader.

“Now, I know what you're thinking. How can a written character look at you? This isn't a visual medium, where the viewer always sees things happening from a certain angle. This is the written word! It isn't limited by camera's or two-dimensional drawings or things like that. When I look at you, the reader, I'm really just picking a randomly chosen direction in which to stare. But! The beauty of the written word is that when I do, the author obliges the spirit of my movement by literally telling you that I'm looking at you! Thank you Loeka! And yes, the author put that in because she's pretty vain about her writing.”

The spotlight mysteriously crashes to the stage, Deadpool diving out of the way, barely managing to dodge in time. He lands flat on his back. Turns his head towards the reader again.

“She's also pretty violent when writing. Personally, I think it's because in real life she's a pacifistic coward–” The crashed spotlight mysteriously bursts into flames. “–and I'm going to stop talking about her now, she might blow up the stage otherwise. That wasn't a suggestion by the way, though admittedly, it would be awesome.”

Deadpool flips back to his feet, because that sounds cooler than just saying he stood up, and casually walks towards the burning spotlight. He puts his hand behind him, out of the sight of the reader, and when he pulls it back into view, he's somehow holding a pointy stick with a few marshmallows speared on. Deadpool holds the marshmallows above the fire.

“Now, where was I? Oh right, _Deadpool: A Romance!_ As you might have guessed, this is a love story. More specifically, this is a love story between me and Vanessa Carlysle. The movie version, not the comic one. Well, sort of, she _***** spoiler censure by the author *****_ and apparently I'm not allowed to talk about that. Anyway, a love story. Now, why did the author decide to write this? Two reasons. One, while she enjoyed the movie immensely, and who wouldn't, I mean, have you seen it? What am I saying, of course you have, you're reading a fanfic after all. Hey, what did you think about the scene where–” The fire mysteriously flares up, making Deadpool snatch his marshmallows back in panic. “Not cool Loeka, _not cool_ , you do _not_ mess with smores. It's just not done.”

Deadpool pokes at one of his slightly burned marshmallows, a forlorn look on his unnaturally expressive mask. He pulls back his hand, a white gooey string hanging from his finger.

“Wow, that came out really wrong.” Deadpool looks back towards the reader. Raises one lecherous brow. “Or did it?”

Deadpool brings up his hand to lick his finger clean. Halts his movements halfway through. Sighs and gives the author an annoyed look.

“You didn't really think this through, did you? How am I supposed to eat my smores if you don't want me to lift my mask?”

A mysterious black-out occurs. When the lights turn back on, the crashed spotlight is smoking slightly, the marshmallows have disappeared and the part of Deadpool's mask concealing his mouth is covered in white sticky goo. Because the author really wanted the reader to have this image.

“Thank you. Now.” Deadpool claps his hands together and looks back towards the reader, mask crinkled in a cheerful smile. And still covered in white sticky goo. “A love story. Because while the author almost died laughing when watching my, well, canon-me's movie, she couldn't help but notice the romance between canon-me and Vanessa felt a little... flat. Why, it was almost as if the romance was only there as a vague excuse for some plot. Luckily, we have fanfiction to remedy that. So here's a story created to explore just what kind of person Vanessa would have to be in order to put up with my insanity! And I do mean my insanity, not canon-me's, just by writing this the author has already turned me into an AU-Deadpool. I mean, the switch in medium doesn't really allow for anything else, breaking the fourth wall in a movie is different than breaking the fourth wall on digital paper. Which is also the second reason the author is writing this by the way, she's having a disturbing amount of much fun with writing a character who's actually aware he's a character in a fanfic. But mostly this is a love story. So without any further ado, let's show you just how Vanessa and I fell in love! It all started one flashback long ago...”

Deadpool raises both index fingers. Points them down towards the page break.

“Cue flashback.”

* * *

 

***Flashback cued***

Wade Wilson shot back the last of his beer and tried to ignore the fact he had suddenly become aware this entire scene was being written by a fanfic author.

Rule One when knowing you're living in a fanfic: try not to think about the fact you're living in a fanfic. That road only led to madness, and Wade was already hanging to his sanity by the skin of his teeth, he didn't need nor want that final push. He also tried to ignore the part of him that pointed out he didn't really have a choice about that, insanity was going to happen no matter what. Wade was currently experiencing his own origin story after all.

He signaled Weasel for another beer, now definitely in the mood to get drunk, and maybe start another barfight as well. Weasel gave him a nod and poured him another, putting the glass in front of him.

“A vodka on the rocks.” the voice next to him made Wade turn his head. And then he stared, long and hard, jaw dropping slightly. Because the woman was so unbelievably _fuckable_. As in, Wade instantly got a semi just from looking at her face, and in particular, her _lips_. When he finally dragged his eyes further down her body, he grew even harder. With that tight, short, _leather_ outfit, what else could he do?

Eventually Wade managed to pull his eyes away from her cleavage and back towards her face. Saw those fantasy inducing lips curled into an amused smile.

“Like what you see?” she playfully asked, movements of her mouth literally mesmerizing. Wade closed his jaw in order to grin and lifted his eyes a little higher, meeting her own bemused ones.

“Very much so.” he answered truthfully. Wade already knew he was going to do everything in his power to fuck this gorgeous piece of ass. And if it was a bust, well, she'd already given him some serious top quality spank material to work with.

“Wade Wilson.” he introduced himself, holding out a hand. She ignored it, picking up her vodka instead and downing it in one shot. She _licked_ her _lips_ and wow, Wade _really_ hoped tonight wouldn't end in a bust.

...According to his inexplicable and fairly random knowledge of the plot, it wouldn't. Score!

“Vanessa Carlysle.” she replied, still looking so very amused. Wade leaned forward just a little as he kept giving her a charming grin.

“So what's a place like this doing in a nice girl like you?” he asked, making her raise a brow. And then she sighed, turning her head away, forlorn eyes looking out towards the crowd.

“My crack addicted mother send me out to fix some shit for her.”

Wade's heart skipped a beat.

“At least you still have a mother, mine committed suicide when I was six years old.” he said in a pitiful voice, making his eyes as puppy like as he could. Vanessa turned her head back towards him, another brow raised.

“Oh yes, that's so much better than a mother forcing you into prostitution to pay for her addiction.”

“At least you get paid, I was molested by my uncle.”

“I was molested by two uncles. They took turns.”

“He kept me locked up in my room, naked, gagged and with a dildo shoved up my ass.”

“You had a room? Lucky, I was kept in the doghouse.”

“Well, had a room, the house burned down, destroying the few possession I had.”

“I've never gotten something in my life.”

“I did. Things like ballgags, candle wax dropped down my dick and vibrators shoved up my ass while a cockring stopped my from cumming. For days.”

“You actually got breaks? My uncles just sold my body to their friends whenever they weren't using it themselves.”

Wade was grinning so hard.

“Our lives suck.” he told her seriously. Vanessa chuckled softly and gave him a quick grin back.

“So much.” she agreed. “The only question is whose sucks more?”

“I can do this all night baby.”

Vanessa laughed, and the movement did very interesting things to her chest indeed. So bouncy.

“Unfortunately I can't. Have to earn enough to pay for my mother's addiction after all.”

“In that case, I–”

“Hey sweet cheeks, what say you and I find us some place alone?” Big Dave interrupted him, making Wade raise both brows in incredulity. Sweet cheeks? Really? That was even worse than calling the unimportant side character Big Dave.

Big Dave put his hand down Vanessa's shoulder with a lecherous grin and Wade narrowed his eyes. There was a very distinct line between annoyingly outrageous flirting and sexual harassment, and with that one move Big Dave had crossed it, loud and clear. Wade lifted his own hand and gripped the asshole's arm. Hard.

“Really shouldn't do that, you might–” Vanessa's hand shot out, quick as a snake, gripping Big Dave's junk. _Hard_. “–have something like that happen.” Wade continued in a slightly shocked but mostly turned on voice.

“I'm sorry, did you say something? It's so loud in here bullshit is hard to catch.” Vanessa actually tightened her grip and Wade winced in sympathy at the whimper Big Dave let out.

“Wow, ease up on the goods babe!” Wade exclaimed.

“Nothing! I said nothing!” Big Dave squeaked at the same time, making Vanessa give a feral grin and _fuck_ , Wade _really_ wanted to do her.

“Good.” she fucking _purred_ , and released her poor victim with a viciously satisfied smile. Big Dave fled into the crowd while Wade continued to stare at those lips.

Vanessa turned her head towards him and raised another brow, looking mischievous, victorious and so fuckable it was almost unreal.

“Babe?” she asked, voice wry, and Wade would've winced if he wasn't still imagining her naked on his bed. But honestly, it wasn't his fault the author had only seen the movie once and was still searching for his voice.

“Total babe.” he said instead as he started imagining her undressing him with her teeth. Vanessa chuckled softy once more and Wade dragged his eyes up to meet her own again, those dark orbs still so very amused. He gave another charming grin.

“So. Seeing as you need to earn enough to pay for your mother's addiction, what can I get for...” Wade pulled out the wallet he'd been given earlier this evening and counted the cash. “275 dollars and a Yogurtland Real Rewards card?” He held out both the cash and card towards Vanessa. She took the cash with another raised brow and a sultry smile.

“For that...” she purred once more as she took a single step closer, _almost_ touching him. “You get 48 minutes of whatever the fuck you want.”

Wade's jaw dropped. Because 48 minutes of _whatever_ the fuck he wanted?

She had no idea what she was getting into. Literally, the author was writing her as a character unaware she was living in a fictional world.

Vanessa plucked the gift card out of his hand and put it into his mouth, making Wade click his teeth together on instinct.

“And a low fat dessert.” she added, voice so low and husky it was nothing more than liquid sex.

Vanessa turned around and started strutting towards the exit, Wade's eyes immediately snapping towards her swaying hips, the edge of the scrap of fabric that could barely be called a dress only just managing to cover it all.

“Did she just put a gift card in your mouth?” Weasel's bewildered voice snapped Wade out of his stupor and with a grin he quickly followed her, gift card still held between his teeth.

Most of the time Wade tried very hard not to think about the fact he was living in a fanfic. But sometimes, in moments like these, he couldn't help but give a big thank you to the author for writing this.

***Flashback ends***

* * *

 

Back to the closed down theater. Deadpool is still standing next to the slightly smoking spotlight. He claps his hands together and looks towards the reader with a cheerful smile. His mask is still covered in white sticky goo.

“And that was our very first flashback! Give it up for the relatively sane person I once was!”

Fictional applause and catcalls ring through the air. Again. Deadpool bows deeply, arms spread wide. He straightens and looks back towards the reader.

“As you might have noticed, there were some small changes in that first meeting between me and Vanessa when compared to canon. By which I mean the movie, nothing from the comics will be canon unless explicitly stated otherwise, that would just get confusing and we can't have that, now can we? But back to the point!”

Deadpool claps his hands together so the author has an excuse to divide his monologue in multiple sections, otherwise the block of text would get annoying to read.

“These small changes have a few reasons, one of which is _***** spoiler censure by the author *****_ but mostly it's because, as pre-insanity me noted, the author only saw the movie once and doesn't remember the exact scenes, just their general flow. So any further changes that might/will happen, and isn't it interesting that I can actually say the / symbol? The wonders of the written word. Anyway, if you encounter any other changes, remember dear reader, this is a fanfic, by it's very definition it's an AU. And now that the author has given a vaguely plausible sounding justification to write whatever the fuck she wants, let's move on!”

Deadpool bounces on his feet so that the author has another excuse to divide his monologue.

“Now, the next flashback will occur after the cute skeeball date I had with Vanessa in canon, in which I won a Voltron: Defender Of The Universe ring, because I'm awesome like that. After that starts the sex montage of course, which apparently covers about a year in just a few hot and kinky shots. But this story will explore the moments you didn't see in the movie. And it will begin doing so by picking up right after mine and Vanessa's first orgasm-fest. Yes dear reader, it's time for, dramatic drum rolling please.”

Fictional drums start beating dramatically throughout the room. Again.

“Thank you again. Now.” Deadpool raises both arms into the air. “It's time for... _fluffy pillow talk!_ ”

Deadpool points down towards the page break.

“Cue next flashback.”

* * *

 

***Next flashback cued.***

Wade let out a deeply satisfied sigh, honestly not caring he knew this scene was being written by a fanfic author. Because _wow_.

“Wow.” Vanessa rasped softly, echoing his thoughts. Wade grinned as he kept staring at the ceiling, pulling her a little close with one arm. Vanessa snuggled into his side and licked his slightly damp skin. Wade chuckled.

“That was amazing.” he agreed, his own voice hoarse. He really should get up to drink some water, but that required effort and Wade had just put in his maximum effort into making the both of them see stars, he was currently all out. So instead he kept trying to catch his breath and ignored the gross wet spot underneath him. Screw the author's slight streak of realism.

“Question, are you one of those people who immediately kicks out their one night stands, or can I crash here?” Vanessa lazily asked.

“Go right ahead and crash like a boss.” That was what Wade himself was planning on doing after all. Just as soon as the author stopped writing this. Which would hopefully be soon.

“Good, my legs are literally numb, I wouldn't have been able to make it out the door anyway.” Vanessa's answer made him chuckle again. He lazily trailed his hand down her side. And it made Vanessa twitch, immediately trying to move away from his hand. Wade grinned and looked down at her.

“You're ticklish?” How interesting.

Vanessa tilted back her head in order to give him a dirty look. With her smeared mascara and wildly messed up hair, this was a truly beautiful sight. She rocked the well-fucked look, she really did.

“Yes I am. And if you tickle me again I will hit you in the balls. I have now given an official warning, if you can't resist the urge to test me, the consequences will be on you.”

Wade wavered one moment on whether to test her or not. Remembered the Big Dave incident. Decided to play it safe, a hit to the balls would murder his happy high with extreme prejudice.

“Wise choice.” Vanessa said when it became clear he wasn't going to try his luck. This time. He chuckled again and began trailing his hand down her arm instead.

Wade was a proud post-sex cuddler, the after-glow just wasn't the same without it.

Vanessa let out another satisfied sigh, closed her eyes and started trailing her hand down his chest. Apparently she was a snuggler too. Score. Wade closed his eyes as well, feeling perfectly content with his fictional life.

“So are we doing this again?” he asked, really hoping the answer would be yes. He was pretty sure it would be, but it didn't hurt to check.

“I don't know, are we?” Vanessa asked in return, her fingers continuing to slide down his skin. Wade smiled, eyes still closed.

“Well, you are obviously awesome, and I am too, so why not? Or we could just be friends without benefits. Or I kick you out tomorrow and never see you again. But that seems like such a waste really.”

Vanessa chuckled softly, the sound still rough, almost ending in a cough.

“When you put it like that, how can I refuse?”

“I would say you couldn't, except that sound a little too rapey, even for me. So, are you choosing of your own free will to keep having brain melting sex with me?”

Vanessa let out a thoughtful hum.

“Let me take a moment to think about it.”

A moment passed.

“And my answer is yes, I will.”

“Awesome.” Wade said, never opening his eyes. He would've exclaimed it, but he just didn't have enough energy left for that.

Vanessa chuckled softly and licked his skin once again. That was a _very_ pleasant quirk she had there.

“Who knows, maybe next time we'll learn things about each other besides what turns us on.” she murmured, making Wade grin slightly.

“Wouldn't that be something. Maybe we could even go on a real date instead of having elaborately drawn out foreplay.”

“You mean that wasn't a date? Guess I'll have to change my definition of the word.”

“To be fair, I spend some ninety-seven percent of the time imagining you naked.”

“Like I said, I'll have to change my definition.”

Wade laughed, almost choking because of his too dry throat. Right now he was really, _really_ glad the author had decided to write a love story. 

***Flashback ends***

* * *

 

Back to the closed down theater. Again. Deadpool is still standing next to the no longer smoking spotlight. He claps his hands together and looks towards the reader.

“Yes, I know, was that it? Hey, give me a break, _you_ try staying awake after frying your brain. Figuratively, not literally, that's a whole different experience, take it from me. Besides, this scene was mostly here to give a plausible sounding explanation as to why Vanessa and I kept having sex. And as an introduction to the rest of the story. Also, yes, the author is aware Vanessa doesn't seem that round of a character yet, but seriously, you're seeing her from pre-insanity me's POV, and at that point in time I didn't really know her except in the biblical sense. Because the author didn't want me to by the way, and seeing as she's the literal God of this universe, what she says goes. Anyway.”

Deadpool spreads his arms wide, looking like a showman standing on a stage. Because he is. His mask is also still covered in white sticky goo.

“You have reached the end of Chapter 1 of _Deadpool: A Romance!_ Stay tuned, because the next chapters will actually flesh out Vanessa's character! But before we wrap this up, the author has a few short words for you.”

Deadpool points down towards the final page break.

“Cue Notes.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am having so much fun with this.


	2. Chapter 2

A closed down theater. A stage with a crashed spotlight laying on it. A man who would look like a decomposing zombie porn star if he wasn't wearing a full body Halloween costume stands in the center of the stage.

“Dramatic drum rolling please.”

Fictional drums begin beating dramatically throughout the room. Deadpool raises both hands into the air.

“Welcome back, to the one, the only, _Deadpool: A Romance!_ fanfiction!” Deadpool bows down as fictional applause and catcalls ring through the air. He straightens and looks towards the reader. Sadly his mask is no longer covered in white sticky goo.

“By now it is of course abundantly clear that the author will always start her chapters like this, it's part of her story format. However! Because the author wants to keep the intro interesting, she's asking you, the reader, to leave suggestions on how to describe me! Go wild! Hit me with the most twisted and disgusting things your perverse mind can think of! I dare you to top the avocado comparison Weasel gave in canon. No, I _double_ dare you. I even used italics to show you how serious I am. Also, yes, the author put that in because she's a comment whore.”

A beat of silence. Nothing mysteriously happens. Deadpool gives the reader a victorious smile.

“See! She doesn't even deny it! Or tries to do grievous bodily harm to me, but same thing really. Now.”

Deadpool rubs his hands together gleefully.

“Chapter 2. In which the author tries to show you just why pre-insanity me and Vanessa fell in love. By showing our first “real” date.”

Deadpool swoons like a Victorian lady wearing a too tight corset.

“Just thinking back to that flashback is enough to make me all warm and fuzzy inside. We were so ridiculously cute, we really were. Because the author wanted us to be, but that doesn't change the fact we were teeth rottingly sweet together. From a literary POV anyway, if you were actually forced to interact with us, we would've driven you up the wall until you wanted to smack one or both of us. Except you wouldn't, because you knew that we would smack you back a lot harder. Because we're awesome like that. Anyway.”

Deadpool bounces on his toes to give the author an excuse to divide his monologue.

“Pre-insanity me's and Vanessa's first date. And as you might've noticed from the word count, this is a longer chapter than the previous one. And it only has one flashback! Wonder if the author will be able to keep that up. Guess we'll find out in the next chapter! But first, it's time for...”

Deadpool lays one hand across his heart like a stereotypical girly chick. Gives the reader an intense look and lowers his voice to a dramatic whisper.

“Fluffy romance.”

Deadpool keeps giving the reader an intense look. He continues, voice still a dramatic whisper.

“With sex.”

Deadpool points towards the page break.

“Cue flashback.”

* * *

 

***Flashback cued***

“This wasn't really what I had in mind when I said I wanted to go on a real date.”

“Too bad, I'm paying, I'm the boss.”

“But this is so... cliché.”

“There's a reason cliché's exist. And it's because they work. Besides, not having a cliché date is in and of itself a cliché.”

“Point taken.” Wade admitted. Vanessa gave him a quick grin and hopped to her feet, managing to balance on her skates perfectly. Wade sighed and gave the ice rink another vaguely annoyed look. It wasn't that he disliked skating per se, but having your first “real” date in a place like _this_...

Wade had the sneaking suspicion the author was planning on making this scene as sickeningly romantic as was possible. Unfortunately, he couldn't be sure. Because the author didn't want him to know for sure. Stupid author.

He got to his feet and tried to ignore his slightly pinched toes. Strange how ice rinks never rented out skates that actually fit.

Vanessa held out her mitten covered hand with a mischievous smile.

“Ready?” her question made Wade grin and grasp her hand with his own Hello Kitty mitten covered one.

“Babe, I was born ready.”

“Then let's get this show on the road.”

They waggled towards the rink. Well, Wade waggled, Vanessa obviously had experience with walking on razor sharp blades. Which was kind of hot to be honest.

Wade looked over the pitch as they neared it. Fortunately there wasn't that big of a crowd, it meant less change of having a dramatic meeting between his face and a stranger's. And not in the fun way.

Most of the people were just going around in circles like headless chickens, but there were three people in the center who were obviously pro's. It wasn't their flawless pirouettes or absurdly graceful jumps that told him this, the matching leotards they wore screamed this conclusion loud and clear all on it's own.

Wade always wondered how people could wear those, they looked so unbelievably ridiculous. Though it was still better than the costumes some mutants wore. Red and purple? With a _cape?_ Right, because the helmet obviously wasn't ridiculous enough on it's own.

They halted in front of the ice, Wade never moving his eyes away from those eye searing outfits. The stunts they pulled off actually looked less impressive because of their clothing. Yet at the same time it added a certain je ne sais quoi as well. How strange.

“Are... are you _nervous?_ ” Vanessa's bewildered voice made Wade snap his head towards her, eyes narrowed.

“Of course I'm not.” That was just absurd, why would he be nervous? Wade was awesome, what did he care he was going to look like a one legged duck high on coke? Or that the chance of his face enthusiastically introducing itself to the ice was near certain? Honestly.

“You _are_ nervous!” she really shouldn't sound so gleeful about her grossly inaccurate conclusion.

“I'm really not.” he repeated forcefully. Because he wasn't.

Vanessa threw her head back and laughed. It was a shame she was so covered up, Wade would've liked to study the effects that movement had on her chest.

She lowered her head and gave him a wide grin.

“I have to admit, I _never_ would've expected this. You don't seem the type of guy who gets nervous.”

“That's because I'm not nervous. At all.”

Vanessa snickered. Tilted her head and gave him a blatantly patronizing look.

“Of course you're not.”

“Exactly.” Wade agreed, ignoring the spirit of her statement in favor of answering the letter. Vanessa chuckled and gave him another mischievous smile.

“Come on sweetie, it won't be that bad.”

“Sweetie?” he couldn't help but ask with some incredulity. Because Wade was many things, but sweet had never been one of them.

“If you can call me babe, I can call you sweetie.”

He couldn't exactly argue with that, now could he? Well, yes he could, but he didn't want to. Right now anyway. Not because he was feeling nervous of course, he just didn't feel like it. Instead Wade looked back towards the ice and let out another soft sigh. Because this was cliché. Not because he was nervous.

Vanessa rolled her eyes with a grin.

“Don't be such wuss. It's just skating, it's not like it's hard.”

“Of course it's not. Why, you only need to disobey the law of gravity while standing on horizontal toothpicks.” Wade said, making her grin grow.

“If it makes you feel better, I promise to keep holding your hand.”

“How very kind of you.”

Vanessa chuckled. And then she gave him another mischievous smile, smoothly flowed onto the ice, took hold of the balustrade and _pulled_. Wade was forced to stumble forward. His feet hit the ice.

And slipped out from beneath him, making him fall right down his ass. Oh, Wade was _very_ glad he'd worn his thick pants today. Because ouch.

Vanessa gave him a sweetly innocent smile from where she was leaning against the side, still holding his hand. The effect was completely ruined by the laughter dancing in her eyes. Wade gave her a deadpan look.

“Oh yeah, skating isn't hard _at all_.”

She grinned.

“It really isn't.”

“Especially with help like this.”

“I said I would keep holding your hand, not that I would help.”

Wade opened his mouth. Closed it. She had a point.

Vanessa chuckled, the sound openly mocking.

So Wade grasped her hand tighter and pulled. Hard.

Vanessa's eyes widened in panic, right before she lost her hold on the balustrade and came crashing down on top of him, knocking all the air out of him as her elbow connected to his stomach. Wade didn't care, this was worth it.

He gave her now so very near face a charming smile.

“Babe, if you wanted to be on top, you only had to ask.”

“I think that's my line sweetie.” she purred, somehow managing to roll her hips in such a way that all the layers between their bodies didn't matter in the slightest. Apparently skating was a little hard after all.

From the corner of his vision Wade saw a woman give the both of them a highly scandalized look, quickly gliding past them with a little kid who was watching them with wide eyes. He grinned.

Wade _loved_ messing with people.

“You know, I've never done it on an ice rink.” he told Vanessa. Not because he wanted to mess with people, though that was a nice bonus as well, but because he really wanted to do her. Again.

The author might not have found his voice yet, but canon had made it very clear Wade's libido was off the charts. Thank you canon.

“I don't recommend it, it's not nearly as fun as it sounds. It's cold and slippery, and not in a good way. Now having sex on a Zamboni on the other hand...”

Wade's grin grew. And thank you canon for making his love interest just as sex obsessed as he was.

“That sounds like a very happy end to a date like this.” he said cheerfully. Because it really did.

“After we have hot coco.” Vanessa told him firmly. Wade raised a brow.

“After? Seems more prudent to do it before.”

“No, the odds of getting caught are too high. And when that happens, the people here throw you out for some reason.”

“The voice of experience. Is that why you pulled up your scarf so high, your hat so low and wore those douchey sunglasses when we bought tickets?”

“Indeed it is. The employees here know me, some in very intimate ways.”

“Maybe I should go ask some pointers.”

“Lilian from the bar is your best bet. But honestly, don't you want to find out yourself?”

“Well, when you put it like that. Also, quick question, what's your opinion on three or moresomes?”

“Surprisingly enough it's not my thing. I find I like it more when I can focus all my attention on one person. And have that person focus all their attention on me.”

How unexpected. And a little disappointing.

“Good to know.” Guess that was one kink to scrap off the list.

Vanessa chuckled and gave him a highly amused smile. Wade wondered whether that was just her default personality or whether the author was making her behave that way in reaction to him.

“So are you planning on laying down here the entire time?” she asked teasingly, making Wade give her another charming smile.

“I am surprisingly comfortable here.”

“That's because the ice hasn't soaked through your underwear yet, but it will.”

“Who says I'm not going commando?”

“Commando when skating? Brave man.”

“To be fair, I didn't know we were going skating, you just told me to dress warmly.”

“My fault for assuming that meant comfortable undies.”

“Indeed it is. Out of curiosity, what are _you_ wearing beneath all those layers?”

“This gorgeous ass is currently encased in unbelievably comfy granny knickers.”

“Kinky. What about those perky boobs?”

“Sports bra to keep their bounciness to a minimum.”

“Now that is a true crime against nature.”

“God can write me a ticket. But seriously, are you going commando? Inquiring minds want to know.”

“Alas, white briefs all the way.”

“Huh. Too bad, the thought of you flying free was very attractive.”

“Sorry to disappoint. I'll make up for it on our next date.”

“I've already impressed you enough to be certain of a next date? Go me.”

“You can thank me by giving me a blowjob on that Zamboni.”

“Deal.”

Wade chuckled, not in the least because of the two teens watching their conversation with wide eyes and blushing cheeks, bright red in a way that wasn't just because of the cold. And then he grimaced and shifted his ass a little.

Vanessa grinned.

“Ice reached your underwear?” her voice was so very gleeful once more.

“Unfortunately.” Wade admitted.

No, seriously, screw the author's slight streak of realism.

Vanessa laughed, and the sight was beautiful. Not in the least because of the promise of a blowjob. Wade stared at those lips and imagined her choking on his– the cold moisture reached his balls, making him wince. Yeah, it was time to get up.

Vanessa obviously agreed, because she pushed herself upright and held out her hand once more. Wade wavered one moment on whether to pull her down again or not. One one hand, that would be hilarious and in character. On the other, literally ice cold moisture hitting his balls.

Wade grasped her hand and pushed himself upright. And he didn't almost loose his balance. Of course he didn't.

“Come on, it's time to skate.” Vanessa told him, lips quirked in a crooked smile.

“Lead the way.” Wade graciously answered.

“If you insist.”

Vanessa held out her other hand with another mischievous smile. Wade took a leap of faith and grasped it with his own. Vanessa's smile deepened, still mischievous but somehow softer as well.

And then she slowly started skating backwards, pulling him along, surprisingly gentle. Wade did not almost loose his balance again and gave her a raised brow.

“Show off.” he hypocritically accused.

“If you've got it, flaunt it.” she answered serenely, making Wade grin. That was one motto he wholeheartedly agreed with.

He looked down towards his feet, but a quick yank from Vanessa made him snap his eyes back up towards her. And he didn't almost loose his balance again _at all_.

“Don't look at your feet, that'll just make you fall down even sooner.” she told him in a serious voice, eyes dancing with so much laughter.

“Your faith in me is touching.” he answered dryly.

“Not my fault your sense of balance sucks.”

Wade narrowed his eyes. Because he had an _excellent_ sense of balance, thank you very much. And sure, that might seem like an informed attribute, but honestly, people immediately capable of having amazing wall-sex with a stranger should _never_ be accused of having a sucky sense of balance. That shit was seriously difficult to pull off without hilarious bloopers.

It was just that Wade didn't have that much experience with translating that balance to a surface of ice. While standing on horizontal and lethally sharp toothpicks.

“Just for that I want two blowjobs.” he informed her. Vanessa grinned, still effortlessly skating backwards. And pulling him along without Wade doing anything to help, because why do the work yourself when someone else was so very willing to do it for you?

“Depends on your refractory period, if you can manage before we get kicked out I will.” her answer made him raise both brows in incredulity.

“Wait, just how fast do people catch on here? You _know_ my refractory period is amazing.” He'd proven that to her beyond a shadow of doubt.

“Depends on when and how long we defile the Zamboni, they do clean the ice here every hour after all. And ever since I started coming around they've developed a habit of randomly checking up on the Zamboni, so there's that as well.” she casually said. And that entire statement held so many wonderful implications.

“So we should wait until right after the Zamboni finishes its round?” he asked teasingly, still mostly focused on her lips to be honest.

“That's the best moment to sneak off.” Vanessa answered serenely.

“And we can drink hot coco while we wait.”

“Exactly.”

“You've thought of everything.”

“It's a gift.”

Wade chuckled and let himself lean back a little as Vanessa kept pulling him along.

Vanessa gave him a wide grin, eyes crinkled in an absurdly cute way and Wade _really_ wondered what her expression would be as she was sucking him off.

“The desire to just let go is near impossible to resist.” she informed him, still grinning widely even as her voice was dead serious.

“So why do you?” he asked, genuinely curious. He wouldn't after all.

“While seeing you fall would be brilliant, the angle makes the risk of your skull cracking open like an egg too high for my tastes.”

“How surprisingly considerate.” And surprisingly sweet.

“Relative safety first all the way.”

Wade grinned and leaned backwards a little further.

“So. Hard. To. Resist.” Vanessa told him in a low voice, eyes dancing with so much laughter. Wade gave her a peaceful smile.

“I'm very proud of you.” And he was. Wade wouldn't have been able to resist if he was in her place. After all, he knew the author wouldn't let anything permanently harmful happen to one of the main characters.

“Thank you.” Vanessa answered. Wade smiled and let her pull him along as he stared at her lips and fantasized about what was to come. And then he hummed pensively, a thought striking and refusing to leave.

“I think I recall you saying something about learning things about each other besides what turns us on. We haven't exactly been doing that.”

“Actually, I've already told you something about myself that doesn't have anything to do with my libido.”

Wade gave her a genuinely confused look as he went over their previous conversations. Because the only new things he'd learned were the facts that Vanessa was apparently bi, that she didn't like three or moresomes, but did enjoy having sex on a Zamboni.

“And that is...” he prompted. Vanessa gave him a tranquil smile.

“I like skating.”

Wade laughed loudly. Yeah, that was actually pretty obvious, even if she hadn't said it in words.

“Anything else you want to share?” he asked after his laughter had died down.

“Oh no, it's your turn. Come one, hit me with your best shot.”

Wade took a moment to decide on what to tell her. His best shot...

He grinned.

“I work as a soldier of fortune who threatens and, or beats up people for money.” For some reason that always shocked people. And it shocked Vanessa as well, both her brows shooting up as she gave him a partly disbelieving, partly curious look.

“Really?” her voice matched her expression exactly.

“Really.” Wade confirmed.

“Huh. What kind of people do you threaten and, or beat up? Because right now I'm wavering between feeling very disturbed or very turned on.”

That was... sightly unexpected, even if she was his love interest. Most of the time people were just disturbed. Or turned on. It was rare for someone to actually waver between them.

“Depends. The range is somewhere between threatening teenage stalkers and beating up armed drug dealers.” And by beating up Wade meant putting the fuckers in the hospital. Which yes, very violent, very wrong and all those other things.

It was also _very_ fun.

Was Wade aware of how disturbingly crazy that sounded? Of course he was. Did he care? Not really. Especially because compared to the person he was going to become, Wade was perfectly sane right now. He was going to enjoy that while it lasted.

“Very turned on it is.” Vanessa stated with a grin, making Wade give her his best charming smile once more.

“Turned on enough to go get some hot coco?”

“Not until the Zamboni starts its round.” she told him in a very firm voice. Vanessa was surprisingly determined about this. He honestly hadn't expected that after their first... let's call it a not-date.

“In that case, it's your turn. Hit me with your best shot.” he challenged her. Vanessa gave him a wide, mischievous and victorious smile, making Wade tense in anticipation, curiosity flaring up. What exactly was she planning on telling him?

She tightened her grip on his Hello Kitten mitten covered hands.

“I work as a stripper.”

Wade _almost_ fell down, only Vanessa's firm grip preventing his face from introducing itself to the ice. He gave her a wide eyed look, _really_ hoping she wasn't pulling his leg.

“No fucking way. You serious?”

“Sweetie, you've seen every inch of my body. Why not take full advantage of the gifts God gave me?”

That was _so hot_.

“That's _so hot_.” he repeated out loud. Because _fuck_ , Vanessa was _a stripper_.

It also explained why they'd had such fantastic first time sex, she had an excellent sense of balance as well. After all, she had to twirl around poles for a living.

And with that happy thought Wade replaced his fantasies about her sucking him off with images of her twirling around a pole. Naked.

“Stick around long enough and some day I'll give you a private show.”

 _Fuck_. Wade was really, _really_ glad the author had decided to write a love story.

“You sure you don't want to go get some hot coco?” he had to ask once more. Because _fuck_.

“Very sure. Though your insistence is doing wonders for my ego.”

“And here I thought you didn't need any external validation of your hotness.”

“I don't. Doesn't mean it's not nice to hear.”

“Nice enough to persuade you to go get some hot coco if I keep it up?”

“ _After_ the Zamboni starts its round.”

A bell rang throughout the stadium.

“ _Attention all skaters. Please leave the rink momentarily. The rink is now closed. It will open again after the Zamboni finishes cleaning the ice. Please leave the rink momentarily. Thank you.”_

The announcement made Wade grin like mad. Now _that_ was _perfect_ timing. Living in a fanfic did have it's advantages.

Vanessa threw back her head and laughed.

“What are the odds.” she said with a grin just as wide as his.

“It's a sign the God of this universe want us to have sex.” he told her seriously, making Vanessa chuckle.

“Who am I to go against God's plan?” she asked rhetorically, but Wade answered it anyway.

“No one. We're all slaves to her every whim.” But in this case, he had to admit he didn't mind.

Vanessa raised a brow, still grinning widely.

“Her?”

“I'm absolutely certain the God of this universe is female.”

“How very progressive of you.”

“Equality of sexes all the way.”

Vanessa chuckled.

And then she yanked him forward, smoothly sliding out of his way as Wade stumbled forward, his feet slipping out from beneath him, arms flailing– his face enthusiastically introduced itself to the ice. Ouch.

Stupid author.

Two skates halted right in front of him. Wade tilted his head so he could look up and give Vanessa a deadpan look. She gave him a so very sweet and innocent smile in return, the laughter in her eyes dancing so very hard.

“I see you were unable to resist temptation any longer.” he stated the obvious. And with it Vanessa's victorious grin broke through.

“But I did manage to resist just letting go. Instead you had the opportunity to break your fall with your hands, making this hilarious instead of horrifying. Not to mention we're now right next to the bar. Because I'm good at multi-tasking like that.”

Wade grinned widely, he couldn't help it.

Vanessa really was literally made for him.

***Flashback ends***

* * *

 

Back at the closed down theater. Deadpool spreads his arms wide like showman with an overblown ego. Because he is.

“And that was our first “real” date! Admit it, that was so cute to read, despite, or maybe even because of all the sex talk/thoughts. Give it up for pre-insanity me and Vanessa!”

Fictional applause and catcalls ring through the air. Deadpool claps his hands together and looks towards the reader with a cheerful smile.

“Also, if you ever watch the movie again, and of course you will, it's an awesome movie, how could it not with canon-me in it? Anyway, when you watch the movie again, and you get to the Zamboni scene...”

Deadpool snickers and manages to give the reader a wide grin with his unnaturally expressive mask.

“Admit it, that scene becomes even funnier if you imagine it's a Zamboni canon-me knows very intimately indeed. Oh! And for those of you interested in what happened next, pre-insanity me did get a blowjob from Vanessa on that Zamboni. Then pre-insanity me got a second blowjob. And halfway through we got caught by the employers and got kicked out before the happy end. Fortunately, both pre-insanity me and Vanessa were given an excellent sense of balance by both canon and the author, so we had amazing wall-sex again, right next to the entrance. Don't worry, we were mostly out of sight of the general public. Mostly.”

Deadpool gives the reader a _very_ lecherous grin.

“Vanessa has a _huge_ exhibitionist streak, and I mean _huge_ , I even used italics twice to show you just how huge it is. Though given that she's a stripper in canon as well, an argument could be made that this wasn't just a kink the author wanted DAR-Vanessa to have. Even though it was.”

A beat of silence. Nothing mysteriously happens. Deadpool gives the reader another victorious look but doesn't say he's right, because that would get repetitive.

Deadpool snorts derisively and looks towards the author.

“Speak for yourself, I will _never_ get bored of saying I'm right. And because I'm awesome this happens very often. Such as right now, when I say I'm right about you giving DAR-Vanessa a _huge_ exhibitionist streak because you felt like it.”

Deadpool frowns. Tilts his head and gives the author a pensive look.

“On the other hand, everything I say is written by you, so does that make you awesome?”

A beat of silence passes. Deadpool bursts into hysterical laughter, leaning against the crashed spotlight to stay upright.

The crashed spotlight mysteriously shocks Deadpool. With a near lethal voltage.

Deadpool gurgles and falls to the stage, laying eagle spread on the planks as his body twitches, his nerves completely scrambled. The twitching slowly stops.

Deadpool giggles.

The crashed spotlight mysteriously lets out visible arcs of electricity. Deadpool starts laughing again. The crashed spotlight mysteriously– Deadpool raises both hands in a show of surrender.

“Wait wait wait!”

A moment passes in which nothing mysteriously happens. This could change at any time.

 _Any_ time.

“I get it, I get it. No–” Deadpool snorts. “No laughing about the idea that _you_ could be–” Deadpool chokes back a sounds that sounds suspiciously like laughter. “–awesome.” he finishes in a squeak. A squeak that sounds _very_ suspiciously like laugher.

“No no no, I'm not laughing. I'm–” Deadpool chokes back another sound. That is of course _not_ laughter.

“Exactly! I'm not laughing at you, of course I'm not. Why would I laugh at someone who's a _*****_ _privacy censure by the author_ _ *****_ ”

Deadpool chokes back a sound that _isn't_ laughter.

“Yeah, if I were a _*****_ _privacy censure by the author_ _ *****_ I'd use a censure as well. Because you're a–” An anvil mysteriously drops down, _just_ missing Deadpool's crotch.

Deadpool gives the anvil laying between his legs a wide eyed look. Turns a solemn and serious expression towards the reader.

“Loeka is the most magnificent person to ever exist in your world. All hail Loeka.”

A moment of silence passes. For some mysterious reason the silence sounds satisfied.

“Right. And with that dear reader we conclude Chapter 2 of _Deadpool: A Romance!_ ”

Deadpool gives the anvil another wide eyed look. Turns a disturbed expression towards the author.

“Just so you know, there's something very wrong with you.”

The anvil mysteriously– Deadpool frantically points down towards the final page break.

“Cue Notes!”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. Much. Fun.
> 
> Also, anyone interested in being a beta? Both for spelling mistakes and to criticize chapters to make them better.


End file.
